Got a joke for you ...

What's the difference between a good Latter-Day Saint* and a bad one?

Give up?

The temperature of the caffeine they drink!

Har de har har.

(Feel free to insert "Mormon" here)

Drama on the high seas - Girls Camp Day 4

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I wonder if I've driven everyone away by these, because I can't imagine these posts being interesting for anyone but me. If you have read all four of these the whole way through, you deserve a big gold star.

It's a natural fact that when you put 100 women in a cramped location, that drama will happen. Us men are normally (aside from Gale our fearless leader) just not privy to all of it. This day, I got a faceful, and lived to tell the tale.

I arose at 7AM to the sound of a woman in tears. Usually, our quarters are off-limits to the womenfolk, but since we had the sweet digs, including a nice little kitchen table (and did I mention the AC?), our cabin had become home to a few meetings, and sometimes just a nice hideout for the camp leaders to get out of the way and get things done. No worries, but crying meant something bad. I dressed quickly and came out to see what was going on, and found the camp leader telling Gale how another woman had usurped her authority and changed things out from under her. With only one full day of camp left, we offered the best advice we had: continue to serve the girls, and try your best to not let them notice what's going on.

After she left, Gale and I talked it out for a bit, and we figured out that the two leaders had been butting heads for weeks, and it had carried over to camp. The meetings every evening where we correlate the enxt day's activities were not happening, so people weren't on the same page. Thankfully, I don't think most of the girls noticed, but we realized that the contention between the two leaders was most likely the source of the "dark vision" that Gale had before camp. Alas, there was nothing more to do but get back to work, so after a quick shower and breakfast, it was off to the races.

Today's big feature was a canoe trip across the lake for the fifth-year and older girls, something we've never let them do before. To pepare, we set out all 11 canoes, and cleaned them of spiderwebs and mayfly nests. I was expected to give a brief talk, so I placed my scriptures in a plastic bag and stuffed them into my backpack, along with sunblock and bug spray. We got the girls loaded into the canoes and sent them off, after giving them directions. I stayed back, and one of the leaders and I waited to make sure the girls were headed in the right direction.

Have you ever met someone that just thrives on drama, that actively seeks it everywhere she goes? We had one of the at camp. Let's call her Emily. She's in her sixth year, and she's been at the center of drama every year I've seen her. I can't imagine living that way, but that's just me. Anyway, since she's not an especially strong swimmer, we placed her in the middle of a canoe with two good swimmers, and sent them off. Sure enough, their canoe zigzags across the lake, with us slowly trailing them. I tried to give them advice, but it just wasn't working. They made it to the other side, all the while complaining that their canoe was cursed. Uh-huh.

Melissa and her helpers in the kitchen had set out a nice fancy lunch (crab salad on croissants, ooh la la), and after lunch I gave my talk. I wish it had gone better; I spoke about Rebekah at the well, and from the few words written about her (Genesis 24), some of her characteristics. I got so nervous that I failed to conclude the talk properly; I had wanted to show them that if they prepared themselves properly, that the right man would come to them, that they didn't need to worry about chasing down the right man. Not terible, but it could have been so much better.

After that, it was back out to the canoes for the trip back. One pair needed to use the ladies' room, and didn't want to squat in a bush, so they made a vapor trail to the other side of the lake; I had to haul tail just to make sure I could see them as they turned around an island in the lake. And predictably, Emily's canoe once again fell behind, as they just seemed unable to keep the canoe going straight. I tried to instruct them again, going so far as to tell them, "Paddle left! Paddle right!", but to no avail. At about the midway point, Emily reached the end of her tether, started screaming about how frustrated she was, and stopped paddling, along with the rest of the canoers. We paddled over to them, grabbed the rope at the front of their canoe, I tied it around me, and pulled them in. As we neared the shore, I heard Emily say, "We should probably help, huh?" to which I thought, "Please don't help." Hehehehe. We then pulled the canoes back onto the shore and returned to camp.

Next up for the campers were skits. In previous years, they were elaborately prepared, but this year each cabin was given a bag of props and asked to come up with something in one hour. The men's skits used to be pretty lame, but since Jim and I (both natural hams) showed up, things have gotten much better. We took our bag and managed, in one hour, to cobble together something based loosely on "The Wizard of Oz" that I wish I could find on YouTube, because it really was funny. The girls' skits were good too, although the girls often forgot to E-NUN-CI-ATE and talk to the audience. Good times were had by all.

Dinner was pizza, which led to the most unexpected beat-down I got all week. I was casually eating my salad and pizza, and decided that I was going to need a third slice, as I had a long night of tearing down canopies in my future. I had no sooner sat down with that third slice (and a mess of green beans), when I hear "ARE YOU CHEATING?!?" to my left. Stunned, I look over and see Maddie, a third-year girl who'd said maybe three words to me in her previous time, Staring me down. I had no idea how seriously the girls took my diet, sheesh! Feeling a bit guilty, I explained that I would be doing a lot more work that day, and it was just a small slice of Hawaiian pizza, and could I please have it, with puppy eyes and everything. That smoothed things over. ;)

After that, it was off to tear down canopies and put away the canoes, oh joy. The work was only interrupted by a detour to put on all my black (I'm a ninja!) and get to shoot a Nerf arrow at the leaders, who then got to attack me and beat me down. I didn't get to stick around and see the purpose of the thing, but I'm sure they tied it in nicely.

One final thing: we finally got to relax with a late-night swim at the pool with all of the adult and girl leaders, followed by letting the girls raid the fridge and stay up late and goof off for a while. Good times. There's no way anyone got to sleep before 2AM.

Oh, and here's day 5 in a nutshell: we cleaned up, got on the bus, and made it straight home. Yay!

Ah, a good night

I had planned to take the two youngest boys out to the YMCA so they could swim and I could go run, but there they were, sitting on our bed watching our DVD of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", looking so darn cute together, that I just didn't feel like sharing them

So we hung out together. I made us pizzas; heavy on the cheese and pepperoni for them, light on the cheese but HEAVY on the sauteed onions for me. We then squatted on the bed and watched DVD's with a bowl of Sour Patch Kids for dessert. Our choices? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Matilda, and Big Fish. Mmm, Mara Wilson sandwiched by Tim Burton. That's how we get down. :)

Leave me alone, I'm cookin' chicken - Girls Camp Day 3

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Fair warning: this is not near the fun read the others were, because for me his was not a fun day. Well, let's get to it.

My alarm woke me at 5:30 this morning, although I had no reason to wake up at that hour. I tried to get back to sleep, but only slept in fits and starts until 7, when I had to wake up. At this point, I should have realized that this would not be my day.

After a quick breakfast, it was time to set up for the big activity of the day, a small Renaissance Faire on the camp grounds. We had rented a jumping castle, dunk tank, and inflatible climbing pyramid, all of which needed to be set up and staffed. In addition, there were photo booths, jousting suits, and stations for making daisy chains. Lunch this day would also consist of chicken drumsticks, as opposed to the traditional turkey legs, so girlls needed to be staffed and about 150 drumsticks needed to be grilled.

Before camp had started, I had been asked to sit in the dunk tank. Early in the morning, this didn't look so fun, but by 10AM, the sun was shining bright and warm, and the water looked inviting. I went and changed into swim clothes, but all the other men had been asked to man the climbing pyramid, so I was handed charcoal and asked to grill the chicken.

Let me stop here and declare that I love to cook, it's one of my favorite hobbies. Ask the Coachella gang if you don't believe that. However, my least favorite method of cooking is grilling. Yes, I assure you that I'm actually a red-blooded American male, but my Y chromosome must be slightly malformed. Anyway ...

So away I went, to grill and grill and grill. While the other adults got to interact with the girls, get wet in the dunk tank, and do whatever else. I grilled. For four hours. That entire time, I was either wrestling with coals, grabbing bags of drumsticks from the kitchen, or delivering the finished drumsticks to the oven to make sure they weren't bloody. Or singeing my arm hairs reaching across the grill to flip the legs. I tried to put on a happy face when people asked me how it was going, but I'm pretty sure I failed miserably.

Next up, I had been asked to teach the third-year campers how to navigate using a compass. It's become a tradition, something I've done for four years of camp, and I enjoy it greatly. Part of the process is teaching the girls how to calculate their pace by having them walk 50 feet and divide by the number of steps. The previous night, I had placed two rebar poles out to mark the beginning and end of the course. As I took the first group to the starting point, I saw that they had been removed. I asked if anyone knew what had happened to them, and found out that an adult had been driving along in a golf cart and scratched her leg by brushing one of them. She found them and threw them away in a rage. So, there's that mystery explained. I ran and found my tape measure and we made do, but the first group was put off at that point. Several of them whined their way through the (short and simple) orienteering couse, and I got them through it as fast as possible, just to be done with them. Thank goodness, the second group actually enjoyed the process, and we laughed and joked through the entire course.

Next, it was off to the waterfront for canoeing. Usually, this is very well-attended, but this year, the third-year girls were taken to go tubing at an adjoining lake, and that made the canoeing lose a lot of its luster. In previous years, I've had six or seven canoes in the water at a time. This year, three sufficed.. I finally got to play in the water, at least, as I helped the girls get in and out of the canoes and watched to make sure they didn't get too far away. After two enjoyable hours, it was time to head back to camp, so I put away the three canoes and made sure everything was cleaned up before heading back.

Dinner was short, as I needed to help tear down everything from the Renaissance Faire and get it stowed away. Frankly, I don't really remember the rest of teh day, which is just as well. I was essentially shoved off to bed at 10PM by Gale, which figured out that I had reached the end of my tether. After a few blissful minutes of music, I was long gone, but not before fixing the alarm so it would wake me at a much more proper 7AM.

Leave me alone, I'm cookin' chicken - Girls Camp Day 3

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Fair warning: this is not near the fun read the others were, because for me his was not a fun day. Well, let's get to it.

My alarm woke me at 5:30 this morning, although I had no reason to wake up at that hour. I tried to get back to sleep, but only slept in fits and starts until 7, when I had to wake up. At this point, I should have realized that this would not be my day.

After a quick breakfast, it was time to set up for the big activity of the day, a small Renaissance Faire on the camp grounds. We had rented a jumping castle, dunk tank, and inflatible climbing pyramid, all of which needed to be set up and staffed. In addition, there were photo booths, jousting suits, and stations for making daisy chains. Lunch this day would also consist of chicken drumsticks, as opposed to the traditional turkey legs, so girlls needed to be staffed and about 150 drumsticks needed to be grilled.

Before camp had started, I had been asked to sit in the dunk tank. Early in the morning, this didn't look so fun, but by 10AM, the sun was shining bright and warm, and the water looked inviting. I went and changed into swim clothes, but all the other men had been asked to man the climbing pyramid, so I was handed charcoal and asked to grill the chicken.

Let me stop here and declare that I love to cook, it's one of my favorite hobbies. Ask the Coachella gang if you don't believe that. However, my least favorite method of cooking is grilling. Yes, I assure you that I'm actually a red-blooded American male, but my Y chromosome must be slightly malformed. Anyway ...

So away I went, to grill and grill and grill. While the other adults got to interact with the girls, get wet in the dunk tank, and do whatever else. I grilled. For four hours. That entire time, I was either wrestling with coals, grabbing bags of drumsticks from the kitchen, or delivering the finished drumsticks to the oven to make sure they weren't bloody. Or singeing my arm hairs reaching across the grill to flip the legs. I tried to put on a happy face when people asked me how it was going, but I'm pretty sure I failed miserably.

Next up, I had been asked to teach the third-year campers how to navigate using a compass. It's become a tradition, something I've done for four years of camp, and I enjoy it greatly. Part of the process is teaching the girls how to calculate their pace by having them walk 50 feet and divide by the number of steps. The previous night, I had placed two rebar poles out to mark the beginning and end of the course. As I took the first group to the starting point, I saw that they had been removed. I asked if anyone knew what had happened to them, and found out that an adult had been driving along in a golf cart and scratched her leg by brushing one of them. She found them and threw them away in a rage. So, there's that mystery explained. I ran and found my tape measure and we made do, but the first group was put off at that point. Several of them whined their way through the (short and simple) orienteering couse, and I got them through it as fast as possible, just to be done with them. Thank goodness, the second group actually enjoyed the process, and we laughed and joked through the entire course.

Next, it was off to the waterfront for canoeing. Usually, this is very well-attended, but this year, the third-year girls were taken to go tubing at an adjoining lake, and that made the canoeing lose a lot of its luster. In previous years, I've had six or seven canoes in the water at a time. This year, three sufficed.. I finally got to play in the water, at least, as I helped the girls get in and out of the canoes and watched to make sure they didn't get too far away. After two enjoyable hours, it was time to head back to camp, so I put away the three canoes and made sure everything was cleaned up before heading back.

Dinner was short, as I needed to help tear down everything from the Renaissance Faire and get it stowed away. Frankly, I don't really remember the rest of teh day, which is just as well. I was essentially shoved off to bed at 10PM by Gale, which figured out that I had reached the end of my tether. After a few blissful minutes of music, I was long gone, but not before fixing the alarm so it would wake me at a much more proper 7AM.

Mind where you crouch - Girls Camp Day 2

(simulcast on MOG)

OK, this song's a real stretch, but it sorta connects. Trust me on this.

Day two started at the obscene hour of 5:30. I have no one to blame but myself, as I had noticed that there was a early-morning hike for the first-year campers, and had asked if they wanted a guy on board. They decided they did, and would I be so kind as to come along? Of course, but it didn't sound so appealing at that wakeup call. Being dutiful above all else, I dress and throw the necessities in a backpack, including bug spray and the first aid kit.

After a slight delay, our sleepy-headed first years arrived and we set out. We got to see a lovely sunrise over the lakefront, and chance to feel the cool air for about the only time all week it felt anywhere near cool. Then we headed into a lovely tree-lined amphitheater called the Green Cathedral, where Chris had started making some yummy Dutch-oven breakfast with cinnamon rolls and hash browns and scrambled eggs. We then hiked back and rejoined the rest of the campers.

The four of us men all got together and set out to set up two more canopies before the skies, which had grown progressively more grey, started to open up. I caught up to them just as they had finished setting up the first canopy. Gale said that he still had a funny feeling about the camp and asked me to offer a prayer of blessing on the site. That's when the miracle occured.

Last year, I had lost so much weight that my wedding band no longer fit, and it was literally hanging off my finger. Well, two days into Girls Camp I lost it. I told Melissa right away, and we were bummed but not overly stressed. The campers were shocked and appalled, and many of them spent time combing the campground looking for it. I figured it had fallen onto the ground somewhere and had been lost, and when no one could find it, I gave up hope, and we replaced it with the ring I wear now.

Back to the present day, right after I offered the prayer, Jim grabbed the bag that held the spare parts for the canopy we had just set up when he noticed something round and silver fall out. He held it up for me to see, and sure enough, it was my old wedding band. The four of us looked at it in amazement, then we tried to figure out the best way to tell everyone. I finally hatched a plan with the camp leader, who took the band. We'll return to it later, I promise.

The rain started falling, so plans for outdoor team-building exercises were put on hold, and indoor workshops were held instead. I was invited to demonstrate "putting on the armor of God", which involved me getting shot with a Nerf gun with no protection. I got one stuck on my upper lip, another on my neck. Then I was suited up with a breastplate and helmet, and given a shield, and asked to defend myself. Exce3pt for one shot the eluded the shield and hit me in the upper thigh, I was totally protected. We then read Ephesians 6:11-17 and discussed at length. We then repeated the process for the other half of the campers, with similar results. You would have been so proud of my shield-weilding prowess.

Now would be a good time to hit the red button.

After this, Chris and I decide that we had best go check on last night's work and ensure that our canopies are still standing. We head down to the waterfront, but not before being alerted by the camp leaders that girls were trying to sneak down to the waterfront without supervision, a big no-no. We head down and inspect our work, and after tightening a few lines, head back. As we're walking, we hear the unmistakeable sound of giggling girls up to no good, so we investigate. After walking along a way, we find two girls crouching behind some trees, hoping we wouldn't see them. What they had not noticed, and what we immediately point out, is that they're standing in a nice batch of poison ivy. We send them immediately to the nurse's station for a checkup, laughing inside that they had been so addled-brained to jump into some weeeds without looking. (They were fine, no worries.)

Lunch this year was a revelation, as the girls were expected to cook their own lunch two days. Day two was one of those days. I was invited to come and eat with the first years, and was happy to see that they had laid out the fixings for some yummy ham-and-pineapple kabobs, with lots of onions and green peppers. Delicious, and it didn't mess up my diet at all. That's right, for the most part I kept up with my diet, despite the extra workload.

After lunch, it was decided that we would try to open the pool so the girls could go swim, and I volunteered to assist there. The kids were playing along, and having a good time, when I heard a rumble of thunder. I hoped it would be a one-off, but I heard another one shortly thereafter. Caring for the firls' safety above all, I stood up and asked everyone to get out of the pool. There was quite a bit of grumbling, but they did leave the pool. Maybe a minute after everyone left, KA-POW! a HUGE peal of thunder sounded right over our heads. After regaining our bearings, the next sound we heard was the camp leaders running to the pool to get everyone out. I reported that everyone was already out, to their immense relief. Yay for foresight! The lightning and rain clear after a few minutes and the pool repoens later.

Not long thereafter, Melissa finds me and reveals that she doesn't think there will be enough pulled pork for tonight's finner, and asks if we would be willing to grill some burgers for dinner to supplement the pulled pork. We dig up the grill, find cleaning tools and charcoal, and proceed to cook 80 hamburgers. At the same time, some of the girls decide it would be great fun to squirt the men with water guns. I do my best Roadrunner impression for a while, but finally let them soak me good, which felt nice standing in front of the hot grill. We deliver the cooked patties in time for dinner, where the girls predictably wolf down the burgers but barely touch the pulled pork. Figures.

Ah yes, back to the missing ring. There is a tradition at camp that if someone misplaces anything, and it gets turned in to lost and found, the owner must sing for the missing item. It's a cute way to remind the girls to take care of their stuff, and provides free entertainment to boot. This time, the camp leader gets up and asks if anyone lost a silver ring with the words "Families Are Forever" etched thereon. I make like I'm embarrassed to get up, then start walking up to a rising chorus of cheers, as the girls who were at camp last year realize what's happening. Someone pulls Melissa out of the kitchen as I sing "Love At Home." Melissa then slinks back into the kitchen, since she's not a big fan of singing in front of crowds, unlike her weirdo husband.

We had a light load the rest of the night, as everything was set up. I did have to flex my PC skillz, as we had some difficulty with a presentation running from a laptop, but nothing I couldn't handle. All in all, a great day, one for the books.

The devil, sleepy driver, and a big sail - Gils Camp Day 1

(simulcast on MOG)

I spent last week "swimming in the estrogen ocean," as I put it in a previous post. To be more descriptive, I spent Monday through Friday last week with about 100 women and girls, all LDS and all from west Wichita and the surrounding towns, at their annual camp, deep in the heart of Oklahoma. Yeah, 100 women and 4 men, we were a bit outnumbered. We were also far removed from cell phones and malls and other distractions, so the girls got the learn to cook outside and sing silly songs and bond together. Us four men were there mostly to do man things like heavy lifting, removing pests and unclogging toilets, but we were able to do more than that, rest assured.

Late last Sunday night, I ran a few things out to Gale, our leader and one of the finest men it's been my pleasure to meet. While there, he scared me a bit by saying that he had a "dark vision" and to be sure to pray before we left that the girls would be protected and kept from Satan's grasp. Unfortunately, he didn't elaborate until much later in the week, so I had a lot to chew on that night and didn't sleep much.

Monday arose warm and muggy as Melissa and I went to church to meet up with everyone else who was going. Oh yes, we both went this year; her mom watched the kids so we could do so. Melissa ran the kitchen staff this year, which is beyond funny as I do most of the cooking at home. We checked in on the girls that we knew, and most were excited to go, although the first-year campers were very nervous as well. It didn't look like anyone had much sleep. I packed the essentials: trail mix and baby carrots to keep me from running for candy, towel and toiletries, and of course the Gigabeat which had to be kept on the DL since the girls weren't allowed to bring any electronics. Heehee. Alas, that means no camera, so no pix, boo.

This year, instead of having many people drive a few girls, we rented two school buses to drive most everyone down. The drivers appeared to be competent and ready to go, so we got the girls piled into the buses and I said goodbye to Melissa, who would be driving in later with the food. I took a seat near the back and prepared to take a nice long nap for the four hours until we arrived.

About 30 minutes into our drive, one of the adults near me pointed and said that she thought the driver was sleeping. I didn't think so at first glance, but another adult up front concurred, so I walked up close to confirm. Sure enough, he was rubbing his face and head in that same way that I've done on so many trips driving at 2AM from a show. Oh great, he is sleepy! Driving all thoughts of sleep out of my own head, I grab my stuff and sit right behind him so I can talk to him and keep him alert(er) the whole trip. It wasn't perfect, but after a couple of long stops we managed to get to camp, a bit shaken but none the worse for wear. We do however inform the camp leaders so they know to call the company to request a different driver for the trip home.

After checking in, I proceed to my home away from home, to find that we scored the only place with central air in the whole camp. w00t! I meet up with Gale and our other two men, Jim and Chris. Gale, Jim and I have done this the past three years, so we work together really well, but Chris is a n00b, so we take some time to go over the basics, then we get started setting things up.

First thing to set up is coolers filled with ice water, a clear necessity in summer. We dig up as many coolers as we can find, fill them with ice and water, and set them out strategically throughout the camp. So far, so good.

The next big project is to set up four large canopies so the girls can get respite from the sun, rain, or wind. Two need to be set up at the water front, so Chris and I set about it. Of course, while we do so a fierce wind kicks up, so as we attach the canvas fabric to the metal frame we about get taken on a ride. After two good hours of sweating and stressing, we manage to get them tied down enough that we think they'll stay in place. Just in time too, as by the time we return to our base, the rain starts to fall.

After dinner, it's back to work, so after a quick meeting, it's off to the cabins to ensure that the girls are all safely inside. I check in with the girls from my ward and find them playing nicely together while decorating their cabin. I get a few minutes to talk to Melissa about her trip down, which wasn't as eventful as mine, and then head back to set up more stuff, including a campfire for the second-year campers for s'mores and such. Yum! It was about 11:30 when I finally crashed on my bed and grabbed the Gigabeat for some bedside listening before getting shut-eye.

More tomorrow, sleep now.

No rest for the weary

It's been a doozy of a week here, busy busy busy. Tomorrow will just be the cherry on top, I guess.

Let's see, I have:

To deliver seminary completion notices for Melissa to the other bishops,
A meeting at 10AM with the Elder's Quorum,
A 10-15 minutes sermon to give during sacrament services,
A Sunday School lesson for about 40 minutes,
and a 35-minute lesson in Elder's Quorum, because we have no instructor yet.

But, as D&C 84:33 teaches us:
"For whoso is ^afaithful unto the obtaining these two ^bpriesthoods of which I have spoken, and the ^cmagnifying their calling, are ^dsanctified by the Spirit unto the ^erenewing of their bodies."
So, I have to look forward to, which is nice. :)